Can I Freeze your Sperm?

I came across Jennie's blog while searching for a peanut butter pie recipe and was quickly drawn to the blog as Jennie is living, and blogging, a life I fear. I follow her blog religiously but never bring myself to comment.  What do you tell someone who's husband passed away on a normal day just like today?  

My heart goes out to her with every post I read but one particular post brought me to tears.  I sat there at my computer at home, alone while my husband was at work, and cried like a little baby.  In wishing for a miracle she writes...

We made love for the very last time. I didn't know it then. I had no idea he would be gone forever nine hours later. But what I did know is I was ready to say yes to something he'd been asking me. He'd been teasing about trying for "the boy". As he left the room to tend to the girls, leaving me with just a few more minutes of quiet peace, I decided to tell him that night that we should give it a try.

I've been hoping every day since he died that the condom broke. Wishing for a miracle, albeit it one that would send my world into overdrive. I was wishing for one last parting gift. A consolation prize, of sorts.

My period came, much to my sadness, and with it another flood of tears and reminder that the life I wanted is not available to me anymore.

I never want to live in Jennie's world.  I don't want to experience this life without my husband.  I know that anyone can die on any given day for any given reason but I can't help myself.  The thought crosses my mind everyday for at least a couple seconds as I quickly take my mind elsewhere.  Sometimes I find myself trying to remember the last words I said to him, just in case.  

Even before he was hired by the department I started asking him to freeze his sperm.  At first it was a joke but as I became more aware of the dangers he faces the joke began to have more truth behind it every time it was told.  We dated for five years and we've been married for almost two years now... and still no frozen sperm!  I wasn't ready to have kids but I knew I wanted to have his child... just not yet.

Last month I found out I was pregnant and a feeling of happiness, and relief from this fear, came over me.  Just hours before it occurred to me to take a pregnancy test I felt like love was pouring out of my pores... and my boobs hurt!  Although my body already knew, it was confirmed by a little white stick.

I didn't tell him right away because I wanted to make it a special moment.  As soon as I saw the results on the little white stick I knew exactly where and how I wanted to tell him but it would have to wait for the weekend.  As I went about my days with this little secret I began to think about being a mom.  I went into nesting mode and wanted to throw away all the clutter in our home.  I figured out the "due date" and it was on his birthday!!!  Suddenly I became excited about making the BIG announcement just in time for the holidays.  Perfect!

The bleeding came before the weekend did.  I never got to give him the good news.  He was sad about the miscarriage but happy with the though of me being pregnant.  I'm sad that it didn't work out but I know it happen for a reason.  The thought of having a baby has taken over my life.  I no longer want to freeze his sperm.  I want to have his baby.