Unfair Goodbyes

I left with a horrible feeling in my gut and an even worst feeling in my heart.  It's like I'm not allowed to feel angry or hurt and act on it.  I'm not allowed to hold a grudge even for a second.  I'm not allowed to leave without the thought of our last words haunting me.  The wife of a cop knows the dangers of the "job".  The wife of this cop will always say goodbye with all of her heart... even when it hurts. 

Hubby:  Are you mad?

Me:  No.

Hubby:  Are you sure?

Me:  Yes.

...turned into one of those extremely rare nights when being in the same room is too much to handle.  As he sat and watched television I sat at the computer.  I don't know what it was but something came over me.  I  couldn't breathe.  I needed to collect my thoughts.  I grabbed my keys and walked snuck out without saying goodbye.

As soon as I started the engine my phone rang.  Call denied.

Frienemy (friend+enemy)

With time I've learned that the media is my Frienemy.  In times of worry I know I shouldn't watch but how can I resist when the answers are far less than the questions and worry I have.       

The Frenemy I speak of will more often than not portray OUR HEROES as the bad guys.  This Frenemy doesn't always gather the facts before reporting misleading details to the public. 

As the wife of a law enforcement officer I know better than to watch the news.

As the wife of my husband my necessity to know that he is okay is much stronger then my will to turn to my Frenemy for facts I know will cause more harm than good. 

As a woman that belongs to a small community of wives that share a common bond, a common worry, I turned to my Frenemy yesterday morning.  An officer had been shot the day before.  A quick google search led me to a few media clippings.  Hesitantly I clicked to watch. 

Dangerous Perspective

For about two weeks now the Hubby has made the same request every single morning as I say goodbye.    

Hubby: I love you.  Drive carefully.
Me: I love you too.  But... why do you keep telling me to drive carefully?
Hubby: Because its the most dangerous thing you do all day.

Um, I thought for a second.

Me: Your whole job is the most dangerous thing you do all day.

To which he smiled and kissed me goodbye.